Top 10 Favourite Red Dwarf Episodes Part 2 - No's 5-1

Right so its time for the second part of my look at my top 10 favourite Red Dwarf episodes and this post will cover the top 5.

So with that said let's get a move on and see which episodes made the list...

Oh, and the usual warning is coming...

SPOILERS ARE AHEAD!!!

5. Quarantine (Series 5)

Right so at No.5 is this episode from the 5th series, "Quarantine" which sees the Red Dwarf crew in great danger as they encounter a mad hologram scientist who has contracted a holovirus and passes it onto Rimmer, who proceeds to endanger the rest of the crew.


STORY

And to get properly into the story it all starts with Lister, Kryten and Cat investigating a viral research centre where they are looking for a hologram called Doctor Hildegarde Lanstrom (Maggie Steed) who had developed research showing that viruses can be both positive and negative.  However on finding Lanstrom they discover that she has contracted a holovirus that has made her become insane and she chases after the crew.  Kryten however tells the Lister and the Cat that Lanstrom will not have long to live given the devastating effects the virus will have on her and they manage to give her the runaround long enough for the virus to kill her off.

On returning to Red Dwarf, Kryten has taken two of the viruses with them, luck and sexual magnetism and Kryten tests the luck virus on Lister, which works on him temporarily before his natural body defences combat the virus.

However to complicate matters, Rimmer has the three crew members quarantined as they had contact with Lanstrom, he doesn't want to risk contracting the holovirus himself so they are confined to quarantine for three months.  Rimmer then proceeds to wind up Lister and the Cat by saying that he has planned a meal menu consisting entirely of sprouts and a music mix of "Reggie Dixon's tango treats" but Lister vows to the others that they will get through this without a single argument or cross word.

Five days later however, cabin fever has truly set in as the three crewman start to get on each others nerves with Kryten having had to panel beat his head back into place after Cat (who is wearing a bandage on his nose) assaulted him and Lister is also seen wearing a black eye from a previous fight.  Kryten soon however realises that according to the Space Corp directives that they can demand re-screening to confirm they are clean after five days.

However...at this point Rimmer suddenly appears and is seen wearing a dress and pigtails, having clearly contracted the holovirus and now insane, he is determined to punish the rest of the crew....

THOUGHTS 

"Quarantine" for me is probably the best episode of the 5th series and its alot of fun simply because again it deviates from the norm with the concept of Rimmer developing a deadly virus as a hologram, which makes for some laughs as we see him wear a ridiculous looking checkered Gingham dress and pigtails.    

The episode is also great as it shows how Lister, Kryten and the Cat get on each other's nerves after being stuck in quarantine for five days, which results in them sporting bruises having been at each other's throats all that time.  And it takes the theme of the show of four people stuck on a spaceship in deep space and gives it an even more claustrophobic feel when the L, K and C can't escape their surroundings.

NOTABLE SCENES

As for notable scenes "Quarantine" has its fair share that include the one close to the start where Kryten begins to show a more commanding persona as he virutally gives Rimmer his marching orders to vacate Red Dwarf to make way for Dr Lanstrom as the ship can only sustain on hologram.

And in the scene Lister tries to allay Rimmer's protests saying "Look, we could work something out.  Some kind of "timeshare" thing" but Rimmer, annoyed, says "What d'you mean?  What do you think I am, a holiday villa in the Algarve?!".  

And as Kryten gives Rimmer a copy of the Space Corp directives manual and is about to leave, Rimmer says to Kryten "You've changed, you know that?" and Kryten looks surprised and asks "Changed?" and Rimmer says bitterly "They may not see it, but I do.  I know what's going on, you've become a really nasty piece of work!".  And Kryten tries to explain "Sir, I was merely...." but Rimmer cuts him off and says "You're merely a mechanoid -- that's all you're "merely." Don't ever forget it!" and after he walks out, Kryten tries to call Rimmer a smeghead and stutters saying "What a smeee...what a smee....what a smeeeee heeeeeeeeee!".  

Then there is the scene where Dr Lanstrom chases Lister, Krytes and Cat as she has contracted the deadly holovirus and she uses her telekinetic ability to pick up Kryten's radio and uses it to speak to Rimmer.  So, Lanstrom says to Rimmer "Hello.  My name is Dr. Hildegard Lanstrom and I am quite, quite mad!" and Rimmer on Starbug grins and says "Are you really?!  How absolutely splendid!".  And Lanstrom asks Rimmer "I have a riddle for you.  What's dead and dead and dead all over?" and Rimmer says "Give in, Dr Fruitloop, do tell me!" and she says "Yooouuuuuuu!" and a spark of electricity appears and Rimmer says "Well we know what to get you for Christmas:  a double lobotomy and 10 rolls of rubber wallpaper!".

And then we have the scene where Rimmer confines Lister, Krytes and Cat to quarantine and having gotten Cat's hackles up, Lister tries to pep up the guys.  So, Lister says to them "Listen, guys, he wants us to get on each other's nerves; go through twelve weeks of hell.  Well, we're not gonna give him the satisfaction, OK?  Cos the entire time we're here, we're not gonna have one single argument, not a raised voice or a cross word.  Not one angry exchange!".  And Lister does that "hangin loose" thing with his hands and says cockily "Boys from the Dwarf!" Kryten and Cat join in.  

However in the next scene the men are sporting bruises from fights they have been having with each other, five days into their quarantine and Kryten expresses his disgust for Lister blowing his nose.  And Kryten says to Lister "And if you still want to be alive when there is only 78 more days to go, I suggest you do not blow your nose!".  And Lister asks "Do you mind if I ask WHY?!" and Kryten explains graphically "Well, let's forego the noise and the revolting burbling sound, and go straight to the really gross part, when you always, and I mean always, having blown your nose have to open up your handkerchief and take a look at the contents!  I mean, WHY?  What do you expect to see in there?!  A Turner seascape, perhaps?!  The face of the Madonna?!  An undiscovered Shakespearian sonnet?!!".  

Then soon after, Rimmer appears behind the screen that separates the quarantine room wearing a dress, pigtails and army boots.  And he says he can't let them go because "The king of the potato people won't let me!" and Cat then asks "Can we see him?" and Rimmer asks "Who?" and Cat says "The King".  And Rimmer asks "Do you have a magic carpet" and Lister sarcily says "Yeah, a little three seater!" and Rimmer says "So, let me get this straight.  You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you are completely sane?! I think that warrants 2 hours of W.O.O".  And Lister asks "What's W.O.O?" and Cat sarcily says "You had to ask!" and Rimmer explains it means "Without oxygen!  That will teach you to be bread baskets!".

And to finish this scene off, Cat get's perhaps the best line in the episode as Lister asks "What do we do now?" and Cat replies "I think our only hope is the Potato King!". 

Then after they escape with Lister using the luck virus, Rimmer uses his holovirus ESP abilities to perform telekinesis and he sends a fireaxe right into Kryten's back.  And Lister asks him "Kryten, man, are you OK?!" and Kryten awkwardly says "I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column.  That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day!".

And the episode finishes (SPOILER!!) with Rimmer being restored to normal thanks to Kryten and Lister using his luck and at the very end, their places are reversed as Rimmer is placed in quarantine and he looks up to see L, K and C behind the screen wearing the same dress, pigtails and army boots as he did.  And as Rimmer asks "Where am I?" Cat replies "Quarantine!" and Kryten says "But don't worry!" and Lister finishes "We're here to entertain ya!" and he begins to make squawking noises!

SUM UP

So that's it for "Quarantine" its great fun and overall a thoroughly enjoyable episode that definitely merits its place in the top 5 and as one of the best Red Dwarf episodes from the show. 

4. Polymorph (Series 3)

So at No.4 is this popular choice, which had to be in there somewhere close to the top of the list and it is of course "Polymorph" which sees the Red Dwarf crew pitted against a shape shifting alien that robs them of their emotions.

STORY

As for the story itself well it begins with the ship's computer, Holly (Holly Hattridge) detecting an unidentified lifeform onboard, which is a shape shifting creature that can change into anything.  The creature soon changes into a basketball and lands in Lister's quarters as Lister prepares a shami kebab for himself and it then changes itself into a kebab when Lister isn't looking.  The creature then tries to strangle Lister and as Lister throws it off it turns into a Boa constricter, which is one of the things Lister fears the most.  The creature then returns to its normal monstrous form and uses a slimy sucker and sticks to Lister's forehead, robbing him of his fear.  

Lister is soon taken to the medical unit where he comes around and starts talking in a very macho way without any fear while Kryten explains that the creature is in fact a Polymorph, which is a shape shifting genetic mutant creature that feeds off people's negative emotions such as hate, fear, anger, guilt and paranoia.  

As Rimmer, Kryten and the Cat start to look for the Polymorph in the cargo bay, the Polymorph strikes twice, first shaping itself into a beautiful woman who lures the Cat and it robs him of his vanity and then later it removes Kryten's guilt.  And as they return to the medical bay, Rimmer find Lister his mother, who is of course in fact the Polymorph, who claims she has just had sex with Lister, which causes Rimmer to become furious and it enables the Polymorph to leech out his anger.  

So from here, all four of the crew, now having drastic changes in personality with Lister being an aggressive guy with no fear, Kryten who simply doesn't care about anything, Cat who is now dressed like a bum and doesn't care about his appearance and Rimmer, who has become a pacifist hippy with a moustache and sporting a pipe!  And now they must try and find a way to kill the Polymorph before it does anymore damage....

THOUGHTS

There is little doubt that "Polymorphy" is one of the real classics from the show's early days and it reamins one of the best episodes of the show, period and it has plenty of laughs from start to finish.  The episode is also clearly a homage to Alien and to a certain extent also The Thing given that the creature is a shape shifting monster except the main differnce its an emotional vampire that feeds off people's emotions.
 

Its also a great episode because of how the Red Dwarf crew's personalities all undergo drastic changes and it allows for some very funny moments later in the story itself as they try and discuss what they should do with the Polymorph.

NOTABLE SCENES

Well we could be here all night with this one as "Polymorph" has its fair share of great scenes and funny moments so it would hard to put them all in here (and the post is long enough as it is!) but I will still mention a few of course.

To start off there is the scene where Lister prepares his shemi kebabs for himself and the Cat but he is using medical equipment to serve it such as a syringe and when Cat asks what it is, Lister says "Its for cows, artificial insemination. Its clean, is all been sterilised!".  But the Cat then get's up from the table saying "Excuse me" and Lister protests "What about the meal?!" and Cat says to him "This isn't a meal its an autopsy!" and he leaves.  And Lister dispairs and says to himself as he pours wine from a urine sample beaker "You try to do something with a bit class!".

Then there is the scene where the Polymorph tries to strangle Lister as it changes into a kebab and then it changes into his shorts and then he puts them on and screams as they start to shrink and Kryten comes in and tries to pull them off, just as Rimmer walks in and witnesses them, thinking it to be something else!  And Rimmer says after Kryten has removed the shorts "Well, I can't say I'm totally shocked!  You'll bonk ANYTHING won't you, Lister!".

Another funny scene is when Rimmer, Kryten and the Cat look for the Polymorph in the cargo bay as Krytes and the Cat are armed with bazookoids and they open fire on what they think is the create but the bazookoid missiles are heatseeking and instead they chase after the Cat.  And the Cat in mid-run as he is being chased says "Oh come on, give me a break!" and he soon manages to traps the missiles in an airlock and he says "You either got it or you aint and boys you ain't even close!".

Then in the next moment, the Cat finds a beautiful woman (who is of course the Polymorph in disguise) who tries to seduce him and she says luringly "I'd really like to make love to guy like you" and the Cat grins and says "Well, I'm sure I have a window in my schedule somewhere.  Let's see ... er, what are you doing in, say, ten seconds time?" and the woman says "Nothing I couldn't cancel!". So, the Cat introduces himself "Hi, I'm the Cat" and the woman says "Hi, I'm the genetic mutant!" and Cat says "Glad to know you...Genny who?!" but then the Polymorph reveals its true self and applies its sucker to the Cat's head, removing his vanity.

After this is the hilarious moment where Rimmer finds Lister with what appears to be Rimmer's mother in the medical bay, which peaks Rimmer's rage.  And in the scene the Rimmer's mother says of Lister's alleged sexual prowess "The positions he bent me into!  And the things this boy can do with alphabetti spaghetti!" and this finally causes Rimmer to explode shouting "ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI?????!!!!" and then the Polymorph again reveals itself and sucks out Rimmer's anger.

Then there is the scene where the crew sit around and discuss what needs to be done as Rimmer wears a T-shirt and sports a goatee and some glasses and he become a hippy.  And Rimmer says to the others "Well, that's certainly an option, David, yes.  Erm, but here's my proposal:  Let's get tough.  The time for talking is over.  Call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard and hit it fast with a major -- and I mean _major_ -- leaflet campaign!".  But Lister who has lost his fear, says boldly "It needs killing! Right, so let's just cut all of this business and get on with it!  Last one alive is a wet ponce!".

And the episode soon ends with the crew going into the cargo bay again but the Polymorph appears behind them but Lister opens the cargo bay doors by throwing a baseball at it, which causes the bazookoid missiles to fly out and destroy the Polymorph, restoring the crew's personalities....but is the Polymoprh really dead as we see two Listers walk by at the end!  

SUM UP

So in summing up, the Polymorph is a great episode filled with really funny scenes and great lines and it rightly remains one of the most enjoyable and memorable episodes from the show's run and for that it deserves its spot at No.4.

3. Gunmen of the Apocalypse (Series 6)

So next up is "Gunmen of the Apocalypse" which for many fans is considered one of the best episodes of the whole series and its quite easy to see why as it is a great episode and in my opinion a much better one than the overrated "Back to Reality" (which isn't on this list if you are wondering! Sorry!).

STORY 

As for the story well it begins with Starbug floating into a rogue Simulant hunting zone (simulants in the series are ruthless cyborgs who have an appetite for destruction).  As a result of this, the crew are soon boarded by a simulant, who instead of killing the crew, zaps them unconscious and upgrades their craft's systems, weapons and armour, so the Simulants can play with them for sport.  

However this idea soon backfires on the Simulants as the Starbug crew cripple the Simulant ship but not before, the Simulants upload the "Armageddon virus" into Starbug's navigation computer, which means they're ship is now locked on a collision course with a large volcanic moon.  Kryten then decides to link himself with the virus and dedicate his runtime to finding a software antidote.

The remaining crew then are able to see Kryten's dreams on a monitor as he is linked up with the virus and his dream is set in a Wild West setting, where Kryten is a cowardly, alcoholic sherriff in a small town, who is forced to stand again four outlaws known as the Apocalypse Boys, who appears as the Simulants.  

However as Kryten's physical condition worsens, the Cat suggests there must be a way for them to get inside Kryten's dream state in order to help him fight the virus and Lister suggests they could links up the artificial reality suite so they can enter Kryten's dream and aid him in fighting the virus.  So they soon load up into artificial reality console as three western characters with Lister being an expert knife thrower, Rimmer a barefist fighter and the Cat an expert gunman.  And from here they must try and find a way to help Kryten out long enough until he can find the antidote they need...

THOUGHTS

"Gunmen of the Apocalypse" is definitely one of the best episodes of the show and again its plot of the cast being involved in the Wild West offers another fresh spin on the story that is very welcome.  The episode is also quite amusing as it introduces the idea of Lister using the artificial reality console as a means to have sex by playing different games where e.g. at the start he plays the part of a private detective who get's involved with a sexy femme fatale and also he even mentions he plays virtual reality tennis to have it off with a female player.

NOTABLE SCENES

And the episode has plenty of notable scenes that include the opening one where Lister is engaged in an artificial reality game where he is involved with a beautiful femme fatale.  And in the scene Lister says to her "It's simple Loretta, this isn't real, it's an AR computer simulation game.  I'm supposed to hand you over to the cops and wind up with the goody-goody heroine.  I've played it before.  It's just that you drive me wild.  You're the sexiest computer sprite I've ever seen!".  And Loretta says "So you take me for what I am - a pyschopathic, scizophrenic, serial killing femme fatale?!" and Lister says "Forgive and forget, that's what I say!". 

Then there is the scene where the crew's ship has been upgraded by the Simulants who want to use them as sport to fight but Cat suggests they should strike.  So, Cat says to the others "Wait, I know this game.  It's called cat and mouse, and there's only one way to win; don't be the mouse!" and Lister asks "What are you saying?" and Cat says "I'm saying, the mouse never wins.  Not unless you believe those lying cartoons!  We don't run, we strike!  It's the last thing they'll be expecting".  

But Rimmer dismisses the idea saying to Cat "No, the last thing they'll be expecting is for us to turn into ice skating mongooses and to dance the Bolero.  And your plan makes about as much sense!".  However Lister and Kryten agree with Cat's idea, who is surprised and says "You're going to go with one of my plans?  Are you nuts?  What happens if we all get killed?  I'll never hear the last of it!".

And then there is the scene where Kryten is losing the battle against the virus as his lifesigns are growing weaker, so the Cat suggests "Isn't there some way we can get in there and help him?  Somehow turn ourselves into tiny electronic people and get into his dream?  Isn't there some sort of gizmo lying around someplace that can do that?  And if not (punches hand) why not?!".  However Rimmer again dismisses Cat's idea and says "Look, I think we've all got something we can bring to this discussion.  But I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence!".  But Lister again agrees with the Cat and says "No, no, no, I think he's got something!" and Cat grins "Twice in one lifetime?!  When you're hot you're hot!". 

Then as Lister, Rimmer and the Cat enter Kryten's dream as their respective Western characters, they go into the local saloon and approach the bar and Rimmer confidently says to the others "I've seen Westerns, I know how to speak cowboy!".  So Rimmer says to the barwoman "Dry white wine and Perrier please.  And what about you two chaps?!" and Lister taken aback says "Rimmer, what westerns have you seen?  Butch Accountant and the Yuppie Kid?!".

And as the boys find Kryten as the down and out drunken sherriff they try and get him to remember what he is trying to really do.  And the sherriff Kryten slowly starts to remember his crewmates "Wait, something is coming back now" and he looks to Lister "You sir. Whenever I look at you I get an image of curry and early morning breath that could cut through bank vaults!".  And Kryten then looks at Rimmer and says "You sir.  There's something familiar about you too, I get a name, SmmmEE, SmmEEgGG HHHeeeDD!" and Rimmer offers "Smeghead!" and Kryten says "That's it!" and Rimmer smiles and cheerily says "He remembers me!".

Then there is the moment where Kryten is the last one left in the dreamworld and as the head Apocalypse boy, Death (Denis Lil) threatens him "Well Sherriff.  Its just little old you" Kryten in his normal voice says:

"I'm not afraid Mr Death sir.  I believe my friends have bought me enough time to complete the antidote program.  Now, if you'll forgive the rather confrontational imperative, go for your guns you scum sucking mollascs!" and they shoot him but Kryten then produces two doves from his holsters, which obliterates the Apocalpyse boys and cures the virus.  

And Kryten loads up the antidote to the ship's computer just in time as they crash land into the Volcano lava on the moon and a second later, Starbug rises out of it and the whole crew do a big cowboy "YEEEEHHAAAAAAAA!!!!".  

SUM UP

And that's it for "Gunmen of the Apocalypse" which is a great episode and it deservedly earns its place as one of the most popular and best episodes of the series and as such rightly takes the 3rd spot. 

2. Legion (Series 6)

So in the runner-up spot is "Legion" which is one of my all time favourite episodes as if for no better reason its because it introduces the hard-light hologram concept to the show, which enabled Rimmer to be able to touch and physically interact with others in the show, which was one of the most innovative ideas in the series. But on top of that "Legion" is a great deal of fun aswell as the crew encounter a seemingly friendly being named Legion but all its not it seems with him....

STORY 

So quickly to recap the story it begins with Starbug being pulled into a tractor beam that eminates from what appears to be a deserted space station.  As the crew enter the station and look around they are soon met with by a friendly sentient being named Legion, who first off removes Rimmer's soft light drive and replaces with a hard light one where Rimmer can now touch people.  Legion then performs an appendectomy on Lister as Legion tells he was on the verge of peritonitis.  After the introduction Legion welcomes the crew into his domain.  

Legion has also set up living quarters for all of the crew, which are strangely enough tailor-made to suit their own personalities.  At dinner, Legion has set a banquet which involves using anti-matter chopsticks but naturally Lister, Rimmer and the Cat have no idea how to operate them!  Rimmer then offers Legion to join them, however Legion says he cannot possibly accept and that instead they must stay with him until the day they die.  

So from here the Starbug boys need to find a way to escape the mysterious Legion who's existance seems to be linked to their own....

THOUGHTS

"Legion" is certainly alot of fun and it was even said to be one of Rob Grant's favourite episodes, who himself said he loved the anti-matter chopsticks routine as well as finding the start of the story to be one of the funniest they ever did with Lister eating what he thinks is crunchy king prawn but is in actual fact space weevil and changing a certain coloured alert bulb!  

The idea of Legion himself is also intriguing one as we don't really know how Legion's conscious is linked to the crew at first but it also seems pretty strange how he has so much insight into each of them but as the episode goes on it takes a slightly more sinister turn as you might expect.

NOTABLE SCENES

As for the noteworthy scenes there is of course the opening scene Kryten tells Rimmer that Space weevils have eaten the last of the corn supply, so Rimmer asks what is for dinner and Kryten says "Space weevil!" and we see he has one cooking under the grill.  But Rimmer says "You can't serve space weevil, Kryten.  I mean, not even Lister with his single remaining tastebud will knowingly sit down and eat insectoid vermin.  Well let's face it - with him it's practically cannabalism!".

Meanwhile Lister pretends to totally gross out Cat as they change shifts in the cockpit and Cat looks around his seat and says "What the hell is this all down the back of my chair?  Peanuts?" and Lister says "No, I've been trimming my verrucas!".  And Cat looks at Lister with total disgust and says "You have personal habits that would make a monkey blush!" and Lister allays him by saying "You really think I'm psychotically disgusting, don't you?  They're peanuts!".

The 6th series however did start to see a trend of space corp directive jokes too though, which were a bit hit and miss but there is still a funny one here when Rimmer misquotes a directive.  And Rimmer says "May I remind you all of Space Core Directive 34124?" and Kryten says "34124.  "No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity".  

Then there is the hilarious moment where Rimmer wants to go to blue alert, which lights up a bulb in the ship but when Rimmer wants to step it up to red alert, Kryten says the classic line "Sir, are you absolutely sure?  It does mean changing the bulb!".

And then there comes of my own personal favourite scenes in the show where Legion first appears and greets the crew and says to Rimmer "You must be Rimmer, may I?" and he puts his hand through Rimmer's hologram image and pulls out his projection unit and starts pulling out its wired innards.  And Legion says "Oh yes, primitive....so basic!" and having removed all the wiring he places a single unit and throws the projection unit back into action and Rimmer appears again except this time he has a blue suit instead of red.  

And Rimmer says to Legion "You better have a damn fine reason for what you just did, m'laddio!" and Legion says "Forgive me.  I merely converted your projection unit from soft light to hard light" and Rimmer to his delight touches Lister's shoulder "Hard light?! I've got a body?  I can touch?  Feel?!" and Kryten says to Rimmer "Puncture repair kit on stand-by, sir!".

Then there is the scene at dinner where the crew fail to use Legion's anti-matter chopsticks properly (except Kryten who does) and in the scene makes his proposal to Legion to join them.  So Rimmer says "Legion:  may I be frank?  It's not often we meet an individual who we feel could improve our already pretty damn fine top-notch team. But in you, we feel we have.  In all our travels, we have met precisely thirty-one individuals:  three one.  And we have never felt moved to invite a single one to join our crew.  True, most of them wanted in some way to suck out our brains, or erase us from history altogether. Nevertheless, they still weren't what we would consider The Right Stuff.  We feel that you are different.  We feel that you, like us, have the courage and the dignity it takes to make it as a Dwarfer!". 

However Legion bursts Rimmer's bubble and tells him "Mr Rimmer, I am moved by the eloquence of your invitation, but it is quite impossible for me to leave the confines of the institute".  However as Kryten bids Legion farewell things take a drastic change and Legion says "Nonsense.  You have no journey at all, my friends.  I insist you stay here with me.  You will be my honoured guests - from now until the day you die!".  And Rimmer who has had a disaster with the chopsticks and is covered in food, wipes his face and says "Thirty two!".

And then we have the scene where the crew find out just what Legion really is as he is a gestalt entity that is a being that exists through the combination of different individuals and he requires the Red Dwarf crew to stay in order for him survive.  So Kryten decides the best way to deal with Legion is to knock out Lister, Rimmer and Cat to cancel out any malice Legion might have as Kryten has none of his own.  

However knocking out Rimmer proves to be tougher as he is now a hard light hologram he is practically indestructible so Kryten repeatedly tries to hit Rimmer but it has no effect on him.  So in the scene Kryten smacks Rimmer on the head with a metal tray and says "You're hard light drive is tougher than Vindalooed mutton!" and then uses a metal bar to hit Rimmer on the head but it has no effect either!

As the episode ends, Legion agrees to let the crew go and gives them his help in how to catch up with Red Dwarf as Kryten builds a stardrive to pilot them right to the ship.  And after Kryten has set it up onboard Starbug he tries to enthuse the cynical trio who think it will never work but Kryten says "

Sirs, haven't we learned over the past two days that if we all pull together we can become greater than the sum of our parts.  That if we are of one mind and one intent, there are no boundaries to what we can acheive.  This stardrive is going to work: do we believe?".  And the trio says with no belief "We believe" and Kryten says it again even firmer "Do we BELIEVE??" and the trio say it a bit louder "We believe!".  

However as Kryten turns on the Stardrive it crashes through the ship and leaves a hole in the hull as the crew desparately try to cling on for dear life as gale winds nearly blow them off the ship.  And Kryten shouts to Rimmer "Well we know one thing, sir!" who shouts back "What's that?!" and Kryten shouts "IT DOES WORK!".

SUM UP

And that is it for Legion, which is a terrific episode full of fun, innovation and some great lines and I think it makes for a very worthy runner-up in this list.

And so the now for my No.1 favourite Red Dwarf episode, which is.....drum roll..........

1. Krytie TV (Series 8)

Yep at No.1 is this hilarious episode from the 8th series "Krytie TV" which has always been one of the most underrated seasons of the show as most fans don't seem to hold the 8th series in such high regard but personally I think "Krytie TV" is my favourite of the lot.  Why???  Well let's take a closer look.

STORY

So the story kicks off with Lister and Rimmer (who are now serving a two year sentence in Red Dwarf's brig as the ship was ressurected at the end of the 7th series by the ship's computer, Holly) receiving mail and Rimmer opens a letter from his friend, Petersen, telling him that he has found his guitar and will send it to him, much to the dispair of Rimmer.  However when the guitar arrives, Lister finds it has no strings on it, much to Rimmer's delight as he reminds Lister due to prison regulations you can't use anything you could hang yourself with.  

Lister however also receives another letter stating that he has the right to appeal his sentence and if he is successful it will apply to his other inmates too, which also delights Rimmer.

Sometime after, the Lister, Rimmer, Kryten and Cat go on a mission (as they are now members of the Canaries, who are sent to check out dangerous environments to see if it will be safe for more senior crew to explore) where Kryten reveals he showers with the women as he has been classed as a woman (as he has no genitals).  This peaks the men's interest and one of the Canaries team, the deranged, Kill Crazy (Jake Wood) insists that Kryten record it the next time he showers with the girls, much to the disgust of Kryten who refuses to.

However not long after the crew return to Red Dwarf, Kryten is knocked out and reprogrammed by Kill Crazy and soon after, Kryten records the girls in the showers and even makes it a pay per view event, which Lister and Rimmer witness and also sees Kryten interview Kochanski while she is in the showers too. 

After this we see Kryten now wears a golden suit and has become rich through his TV enterprise, which he calls "Krytie TV" but Lister puts a spanner in the works as he let's Kochanski know about the shower girl night, who is furious.  After this Kryten is kicked out of the women's quarters and classed as a man again and he tells Lister that Kochanski is now back dating an ex-boyfriend of hers, much to Lister's dismay.  So Kryten tells Lister a way to get back at Kochanski's ex as he get's Lister to raid the man's quarters and trash it, but is all what it really seems here?  Or does Kryten have another trick up his sleeve???

THOUGHTS

Well for me "Krytie TV" is a priceless comedy and great Red Dwarf, yet strangely enough its an episode, which has very little in the way of serious melodrama about it as no one really dies and there are no major life and death situations involved.  Instead its just a case of Kryten being reprogrammed by some unscrupulous inmates and he ends up making a profit out of his hidden camera TV, which echoes "You've Been Framed" so much so that Kryten even paraphrases the TV show as at one point he says "You've been Krytered!".

So, basically for me its a great episode as its just great fun and perhaps its so good simply because it doesn't go for any serious melodrama and here the circumstances of the episode are purely comical that help makes it as good as it is (well for me anyway if that makes sense!).

NOTABLE SCENES

As for the noteworthy scenes...well take your pick!  

To start off there is the opening scene where Rimmer opens a letter for Lister and he reads it aghast saying "Its a ltter for you, from Petersen. My God, that is tragic!" and Lister says "What's happened to him? Has he died?" and Rimmer says "Died?!  You think he'd right and tell you?!".  And Lister says "No, you're right, you're right, you're right. I'm not thinking straight. He'd be too busy with his funeral and everything, wouldn't he. What's happenned to him?".  And Lister asks "So, what's happened to him?" and Rimmer says "Something catastophic, hideous. He's found your guitar in Starbug's wreckage and he's sending it here".  

But later when the guitar arrives for Lister, there are no strings on it and he says "Hang on! There's no strings! They've confiscated the strings!" which brings a beaming smile to Rimmer's face, who says "

I feel like a man who leaps out of a plane with no parachute and lands in the hot-tub at the Playboy mansion!".  

Then there is the funny scene where Kryten tells Lister that he showers with the girls and he says wearily "You don't know what it's like, being classified as a woman, sir. The humiliation!  I mean, why should I - a Series 4000 mechanoid - have to endure the turgid monotony of showering with the girls? Three times a week! Tell me that!".  And Lister absent mindedly says "Its not fair.  Its just that...." but then stops and thinks about what Kryten has just said and he asks "You shower with girls?!".  And Kryten wearily says "Oh! It's so hideously dull I can't describe it, as they stand around soaping themselves. Their bodies all wet and foamy. Can you imagine it?" and all of a sudden all the men have a frozen look on their faces.  

And Krytens look at them puzzled and says "Hello? Extraordinary! It must be a warp in the time-space continuum! How curious it isn't affecting me..." and Rimmer breaks out of it and says "

We're not frozen in time, Krytie - we were just thinking about what you were saying..." and the men fold one leg over the other!  And Holly says "It's time like this that make me thankful I'm just a head!".

Then there is the scene where during a replay of an old film in the rec room for the inmates, Kryten suddenly appears on the screen and says "Good evening. Tonight's scheduled feature has been cancelled, and replaced with a special, live, pay-per-view event brought to you courtesy of "Krytie TV"! Transmitting live via my optical receptors, we bring you live, and lithe, Womens Shower Night!".  

However as Lister and Rimmer remember their appeal they make a half-hearted attempt to leave although they cannot take their eyes off the screen.  So Lister says to Rimmer "What about Kris? She's never gonna believe I wasn't involved in this! We've gotta stop it!" and Rimmer says "You're right, I want no part of this! After two, one, two - go!" bud they don't move!  But the two men eventually do try and leave but not before Kryten announces he wall interview one of the shower girls who turns out to be none other than Kochanski.  So instead of leaving, Rimmer asks Lister "Fancy a choc ice?!" and they stay to watch.

But the next day as Kryten has now become wealthy from "Krytie TV" endeavour, Lister puts a spanner in the works and tells Kochanski about it all who is furious and she shouts at a fleeing Kryten "You are dead, nickel-hydrate breath!" and she turns to Lister and shouts "You were there for three hours of it!".  And Lister offers a lame defence "Yeah, but I didn't enjoy it! I was outraged. Why do you think I only had one choc-ice?!".  

And when Kochanski asks Lister why didn't he just ask if he could see her naked rather than need to watch a hidden camera video of it, Lister says because she'd say no but Kochanski says "Not necessarily. If I'd known it meant that much to you, that you needed to see me naked so badly, I wouldn't necessarily have said 'no'.  I mean we're friends aren't we?".  And Lister, surprised, says "It never occured to me that I could just ask. Oh, you're such a great friend. I love being your friend. Kris..?" but suddenly and firmly says "No! Not now, and now, not ever!" she tears up a note Kryten had and throws it in his face. 

Then next day there is the hilarious moment where Lister writes out an apology card for Kochanski and he has two bags of flour next to him and he says to Rimmer "Its just a little present to say "sorry" and Rimmer asks "A bag of flour?" and Lister says "No, two bags. I'm in the Tank, in the middle of Deep Space. I can't just get on the blower to Interflora, you know! Flour - Flours! It's the closest I could get!".  

And Rimmer contemplates sarcastically what Lister could write "I can just see her reading the card: "Dear Kris, I'm really sorry for ogling you and the girls in the shower yesterday for three gob-smacking hours of steamy fun. To make up for it, and to indicate how truly sorry I am, here's two bags of self-raising. Something I didn't need any help with yesterday!."

And then we get to the funny scene where Lister trashes what he thinks is the quarters of Kochanski's ex-boyfriend, Tim, or so he thinks but in reality he has trashed the quarters of the head of the prison guards, Mr Ackerman.  And Kryten meets Lister outside the quarters after he has trashed them and says "You trashed that room because you believed Miss Kochanski was dating Tim, didn't you?" and Lister says "What you mean she isn't?" and Kryten says "Look who's quarters your really trashed!" and he closes the door to reveal Ackerman's name "Whoops, you've been Krytered!".  

And lastly the episode finishes with Lister and Rimmer receiving their appeal verdict and Lister shouts "Yes!" jubilantly and Rimmer takes the letter reads "Dear Mister Lister, your appeal has been successful"! "From this day forth all inmates with no record of violence or depression will be allowed... to have strings on their guitars"... This appeal was all about guitar strings?!".  And we see Lister holding a guitar string in his hand and he says "You didn't think it was about getting out of here, did you?" which prompts Rimmer to shout "YOU MEAN I'VE BEEN BUSTING MY BALLS SO YOU CAN HAVE LOUSY STRINGS ON YOUR STINKING GUITAR???!!".  

And Lister tries to feebly comfort Rimmer and says "You've been a brick, man. And as a personal 'thank you', I thought I'd write you a song..." which leaves Rimmer to twist his face into a look of deep dispair.  

SUM UP

And that's it for "Krytie TV" which is for me my favourite Red Dwarf episode even if it doesn't have any comic melodrama, its still a highly enjoyable episode simply because of the laughs it provides and perhaps because it deals with some more minor but still very amusing themes that's why it works as well as it does. 

Not to mention the cast also put in some good work too particularly the scenes between Lister and Rimmer, which was always a real strength of the 8th series as the scenes they share in their prison quarters provide some of the best laughs of that season.  Also Craig Charles and Chloe Annet share a good scene when Kochanski expresses her anger at Lister for watching the shower girls night "Krytie TV" episode.  And lastly Kryten is hilarious simply because his scenes where he has been reprogrammed are priceless and what other episode will you see Kryten wear a fake beard in?!  

So there you go "Krytie TV" is priceless bit of comedy and great RD episode and rightly takes the top spot.

OK!  So, that's it for now and in fact I think that will be it from me for this year as I've managed to clock in 81 reviews for the whole 2016, which doesn't sound like a great deal overall but then again these reviews do take me forever to do when I find the time.  

But regardless of all that I will be back next year with some more reviews at some point and in the meantime all that remains for me is to wish everyone a Happy New Year when it comes around and I'll see you back on here in 2017!

Till then bye for now, smegheads!