Right OK so this is a bit of a different post than my usual ones so rather than review another movie or video game I thought I would opt for something else.
So the basis of this post will be on the Nostalgia critic (played by Doug Walker) and for anyone of you who don't know who this is... well he is a comedic fictional film critic who has a fondness for reviewing older films that make him feel nostalgic but at the same time he's also a critic with a volatile temper who often goes absolutely apeshit when he sees something in a film he doesn't like. The Nostalgia critic started off with just Doug Walker performing the reviews himself but as the series progressed and grew in popularity he worked with other actors playing fictional critics or who are his friends who make contributions throughout the episodes featuring little sketches and skits poking fun at movie flaws and plot holes.
Anyway over the summer I've been enjoying watching the Nostalgia critic episodes although I have not seen them all (as there are nearly 300 of them!) and this post is my pick of the top 10 favourite Nostalgia critic reviews. So let's get on that cap, funny long tie, specs and give this un a look....
And yeah in a roundabout way there be one or two SPOILERS ahead and apologies for all the swearing and shouty words in capital letters but that's the way that the critic works (and why shouldn't he?!).
10. Total Recall "I'm tougher than Jesus, nah nah nah!!".
Right so to kick off I thought I would start with the Nostalgia critic's take on the Arnold Schwarzenegger film Total Recall, which he co-reviews with his fellow reviewer, That sci-fi guy (Leo Thompson). The critic is initially reclutant to want to review the film with him and the sci-fi guy even says "Wait you aren't gonna put me in the corner, are you?" and the critic says he won't as he already spent enough time in the corner with another reviewer last week! This is also a fun review because both reviewers get on each other's case especially as early on they argue over the merits of whether or not Quaid's journey throughout the film is just a dream. And in this moment the critic says "Now at this point there are two ways we could look at this movie: we know he just went in to get implanted with memories but the procedure is interrupted". And the sci-fi guy interrupts saying "Or does it?!" along cheesey dramatic music and the sci-fi guy says "We could go with what the scene is telling you or is all this part of the simulation?". And the critic irately says "Are you kidding? Its totally real! They just haven't implanted the secret agent protocol yet!" and the sci-fi guy says "But this after he has laid his head back in the implant machine. Technically after that point everything could be going on inside his head....." and then the critic get's pissed off and yells at sci-fi guy to "GO TO THE CORNER!!".
Another highlight of the review is when the critic keeps mocking Arnold's noises when he struggles, such as in the scene when Quaid struggles in the chair at Rekall when he is about to have his virtual reality dream mission implanted and the critic says "Cue the Arnold noises!" and he mockingly does them. And the critic continues to do the noises off and on throughout, such as in the scene where Quaid smashes through the X-ray security scanner and the critic says how its funny how he is cut by the shards of glass and then mimics Arnie saying "I'M TOUGHER THAN JESUS! NAH! NAH! NAH!!".
The review also has another funny moment where in the review they get to the scene in the film where Quaid uses the self guiding tool to remove an implanted bug in his skull by shoving the tool up his noise. And in the scene Hauser says to Quaid "Just shove real hard". And the critic looks appalled "Those are words I never want to hear out of Arnold. I could possibly never get an erection again! Some lines you hear Arnold say you will never hear them the same way again. Just like "put that cookie down". And the sci-fi guy also teases the critic by saying "Oh, haven't you heard, Get your ass to Mars?" and it cuts to a sampled track of Arnie's line from the film "Get your ass to Mars" which causes the critic to look on jealously and say "I hate you!".
They also share a funny moment when they take the piss out of the scene in Total Recall when the secondary villain, Richter (Michael Ironside) get's into a heated exchange with a soldier on Mars as he tells him to "open the goddamn door" to get to Quaid (Arnie) and the soldier says "I can't! They're all connected!" and they both stare at each other intensely. So the critic and sci-fi guy do they're on version and exchange tense comical glares at each other.
And the review concludes with the critic and sci-fi guy stil aruging over the merits of whether or not it was all a dream. And as the film's last scene plays the critic says "So Quaid saves the day, get's the smokin hot lady and lives happily ever after! Just like a real action hero!". And the sci-fi guy reasserts again his opinion "Lending more evidence to the theory that this is all a dream" as we see the film fade to white. And the critic protests "Oh come that is just a fade to white, its totally real, there's evidence saying that it isn't!" and the sci-fi guy says "Are you kidding? They were just talking about it being a dream! Plus the whole blue sky on Mars thing??". And the critic says "Yeah but what about the dirty look Manny DeVito gave him? What about the bead of sweat on the Rekall (Dr Edgemar who unsuccessfully tries to talk down Quaid and ends up dead as a result) guy's face? Why would we see multiple scenes of Quaid absent if it was supposed to be in his memory?!". And the sci-fi guy continues to state his case "He saves the day, he get's the girl. Aliens? Its exactly what the used car salesman at Rekall promised him. I bet Quaid's construction worker ass is laid out lobotomised at the Rekall centre now". And the critic finally snaps again and says "I've had enough of you. GO TO THE CORNER!" and the sci-guy laughs and says "You can't put me in the corner this time! I'm in my own house....I mean my own control centre". And he critic finishes by saying "Ah but you forget. I'm editing the review!" and he types away on his keyboard and puts the sci-fi guy in the corner of his screen and puts him on mute!
And as the critic finishes by saying he enjoyed the movie even though it was pretty silly it was still alot of fun. "And to answer the question as to wether or not it was a dream or real? I don't give a shit! And neither should you. I just wanted to screw with that sci-fi guy, which is always a lot of fun!". So its an enjoyable review with some fun moments from the critic and his rapport with that sci-fi guy also makes it work pretty well as its good the critic has someone else to bounce off of and as such its worth putting at No. 10.
9. North "You're too fucking nice!"
At No.9 is the critic's review of Rob Reiner's turkey: North, starring a very young Elijah Wood and Bruce Willis (dressed in a bunny costume!). The critic starts off the review by saying he was intruiged to review this one after seeing the Seiskel and Ebert review as both critics berated the film calling it the worst film they had ever seen in any of the years they had reviewed on their programme. And the critic says in surprise "Damn! That is harsh! I mean these are the guys that reviewed Batman and Robin, Kazam, the Super Mario brothers and the Tom and Jerry movie and THIS is movie that made them feel unclean???! What the hell could be in it that can be so bad???" and he cheerily says "Come on, kids! Let's find out!".
So the film itself to put it briefly is about a young boy named North (Wood) who divorces his own parents and goes in search of a new family and is helped and guided along the way by a man in a Bunny outfit (Willis) and North on his journey travels far and wide and has many different adventures. The critic also pokes fun at just how unfunny the film's jokes especially in the scene where North's parents are in a comatose state resting in court and their lawyer says "the defence rests!". We also find that the film is guilty of horrible stereotypes and even mocks Eskimos in a very patronising manner and even has an appalling momet where North is used as a promotion billboard for a town where they show his ass crack to entice people to come to the place!
And in the end the critic basically ends up agreeing with Seiskel and Ebert at the end as he is appalled at just how bad the film is. And he says "Yep. An hour and a half of unfunny jokes, ethnic stereotypes and hate filled stupidity for something you'd see on a welcome map. I hope you enjoyed our story of racist insensitivity and allow us to replace the credits with the words WE'RE SORRY A HUNDRED TIMES!!" and we cut to a captain that says just that. And the critic finishes off saying "THIS movie is amazing! It actually goes beyond belief! In today's PC world for a film to be made like this let alone for kids.... its scary as SHIT!". And he continues "How could anyone green light this? How could anyone sign on for it? How could they get all these big name stars for such an ugly piece of cinematic prostitution???! Maybe Rob Reiner made too many good films and wanted to make a bad one to even it out".
And the critic then says he agrees with Roger Ebert when he said in his original review "I hated this movie! Hated, hated, hated, hated this movie! Hated it! Hated every single simpering, stupid, vacant, audience insulting minute of it!". And the critic finishes off by shouting "YOU'RE TOO FUCKING NICE!" and his usual sign off. You can tell this one that the critic enjoyed tearing to bits as it really is a dire film and again its an entertaining review which deserves a place on here.
8. The Room "This is an ex PERSON!!"
So at No.8 is the critic's review of Tommy Wiseau's classic movie: The Room which is often regarded as one of the worst films of all time but also one of the most enjoyably bad films ever made also and I should know as I had the pleasure of reviewing it myself. The critic starts off the review by saying the film is too recent to review as a nostalgiac movie but he is then interrupted by a geeky sci-fi character (played by Walker also) who transports him forward in time to review the film in a more appropriately nostalgic setting. The critic also despairs at just how bad the film's star and director Tommy Wiseau's acting is as he starts off amused then thoroughly bemused by it as Wiseau plays the eccentric but well meaning. The critic also slates Wiseau's sex scenes in the film where his character Johnny has sex with his girlfriend Lisa and he appears to be shagging her belly button instead. And the critic yells "He's fucking her belly button! Dude you don't have to fuck her belly button! Its not that TIGHT!". And later he also berates Wiseau for infamous "Oh hi Mark!" scene on the rooftop and the critic says "I think the evidence is right there! That is the worst single piece of acting I have ever seen on film!".
The critic also dispairs at Greg Sestero's chracter, Mark, who has an affair with Lisa but he is so dim-witted and slow on the uptake when Mark comes round and Lisa starts to seduce and feel him up Mark even then says "Come on, what are you doing?!". And the critic yells "What do you think she wants to do?! She wants to sleep with you!! Just like every other time you meet, you fucking idiot!!!". And later on there is the confrontational scene between Johnny and Mark at the party where Johnny catches Mark and Lisa blatantly kiss each other. And in the scene Mark says to Johnny "She doesn't want to be with you anymore. Wake up, man, what planet are you on?!" and the critic says "This is the first legitimate question that has been asked in this movie!". And at the film's ending, Johnny shoots himself in the head, heartbroken and devastated at Lisa cheating on him. And in the last scene Mark and Lisa come over and they find his body and Lisa asks the dumbest question of all time "Is he dead?". And this causes the critic flip out and do a parody of Monty Python's parrot sketch and finishes by yelling "THIS IS AN EX PERSON!!!!!".
And the critic ends the film review by saying "This movie is a miracle! I've never seen a performance that is so consistently bad (Wiseau) or writing so hypnotisingly lame, but you're going to think I'm crazy but it really is worth checking out. It is a film that has to be seen to be believed". And that sums up The Room pretty well in my book and as such the critic's review of The Room rightly is on here at No.8.
7. Face/off "Zeus's butthole!! I'm bad at this!!!"
OK so this is one of the newer Nostalgia critic episodes where the critic is joined by his then (and still) regular co-star actor, Malcolm Ray. This review features not only a pretty decent impersonation of Nicholas Cage by the critic but it also features one of the funniest moments in any of the critic's reviews. And this moment comes near the beginning when the critic points out after why didn't the main villain, Castor Troy (Cage) stop shooting after he shot and injured his target, FBI agent Sean Archer (John Travolta). And the critic says "Maybe we just have to come to the conclusion that Cage is a terrible shot!" and it cuts to the same shot of Sean hugging his dead son and we see comically added bullet marks all missing Archer and the critic does Cage's voice on each of the three shots "Damn it! Son of a bitch! Zeus's butthole! I'm bad at this!!!". Then there is the scene where Archer is sent to prison after his facial surgery and he tries to talk to Pollux but get's beaten up by a prisoner, Dubov. And in the scene Pollux looks on suspiciously at Archer over his non-Castor like behaviour but then Archer looks at his brother with a crazy wide eyed look and the critic says "This leads me to one of my favourite concepts in any Nicholas Cage movie: Nicholas Cage trying to be Nicholas Cage!".
The critic also has fun in pointing out the stupidity of how all the prisoners at the prison where Archer is sent to find out from Pollux where the bomb is that he has planted somewhere LA, are monitored on the security system via purple dots as they are signatures from the magnetic boots the prisoners wear. And the critic a comic sketch scene takes the piss out of the scene by playing an prison staff member who looks puzzled at all the purple dots and his supervisor (played by Malcolm Ray) asks what they all are and the critic yells "I don't know, sir! They're all PURPLE DOTS!". The critic takes the piss out of the scene where Archer (with Castor's face on) goes to Castor's HQ and says to Dietrich, a known drug kinpin and associate to Castor "I would like to take his face...off!". And Castor says this back and forth to Dietrich so the Critic parodies it over and over and he says "Now I got it!" but another clip plays of the same scene and the critic says "Totally lost it!". The critic also pokes fun at the lack of doves in the film as it was directed John Woo, who always uses doves as a signature of his work. And later the critic is delighted to see doves in the scene near the end where Archer and Castor face off each other in the church and the critic says "Can it be??? We have DOVES!!". And at the end the critic concludes that he loves the film and thinks it get better and sillier every time he sees it and this episode all is silly and fun and features some good jokes so that's why its on here.
6. The Wicker Man "You wanna come work for me?"
This is another Cage entry, which sees the proper introduction of Tamara Chambers to the series who makes a rather creepy and memorable appearance here as a wide-eyed and somewhat overly cheery fan of the Nicholas Cage film, The Wicker Man, which is of course a remake of the original back in 1973. The review also starts off with the creepy Tamara suddenly appearing out of nowhere and almost taunting the critic as she disappears then reappears intermittently. In his review the critic makes fun of the scene where Cage's character, Edward Malus disguises himself in a bear costume and arrives at what appears to be a sacrificial ceremony involving his daughter, whom he has been searching for. And in the scene Cage runs up to one of the sacrificial sisters and punches her in the face (yeah Cage does alot of that here!) which prompts the critic to stop the review and take stock of his bear jokes by looking through in a book he has but he confides in Malcolm he doesn't know which one to pick for the scene. So when Malcolm advises the critic to do all the jokes, the critic does so even though he is unaware that Malcolm is planning something with Tamara.
And at the end of the review, Tamara confronts the critic and tells him that he omitted one of the key scenes of the film, where Cage has live bees poured on him and screams out "No not the bees!!!". And this prompts the critic to explode shouting "I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT STUPID! YOU'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT STUPID SCENE!! WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT STUPID SCENE!!!". And Tamara uses Malcolm him to force the critic into reviewing the bee scene by whacking him in the nuts with a baseball repeatedly and pours a large bowl of bee images over his head, forcing the critic to finally relent and talk about the scene "ALRIGHT!! I'll talk about the fucking bees!!". And after the critic finally finishes his review he then confronts Tamara in a bar and berates her saying "You are the most criminally deranged fucking nutjob I have ever seen in my life and I am gonna do what needs to be done about it!" and after a short pause he calmly says "You wanna come work for me? My reviews always seem to go up when I'm pain" and Tamara says "Sure" followed by the critic saying "Yay!" before being ran over by a truck! (in reference to a scene in the film earlier) I have to say I'm not always a fan of the show's later format of the comedy shtick that the critic does with his other cast members (even though some of the shtick is pretty good and the cast are good) as I prefer it when he reviews the film's himself. But overall this episode works pretty well with the cast so that's why it sits that bit further down the list at No.6.
And that's it for Part one and I'll be back soon with Part two....
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