OK so now its time for part two of my list of my pick of the top 10 Nostalgia critic episodes, so let's get on and have a look at them.....
5. Rocky IV "It's a fucking robot in a Rocky movie!"
Sooo at No.5 is the critic's review of Rocky IV, which is undoubtedly the cheesiest of all the Rocky movies as the critic also rightly attests to. The review itself is pretty funny also and the critic starts off by taking the royal Mickey out of the stupid big robot that appears in it and he uses a caption to advertise it as the "Shark Jumper 5000" and the other captions read "Ruins any movie instantly in the first five minutes!" and "WOW! No more credibility!". And this followed by the cringeworthy moment where Paulie has changed the robot's voice to a sexy female one and interrupts Rocky having a serious chat with Apollo (Carl Weathers) to give Paulie a beer. And as the robot moves off and Apollo who was distracted by the robot moves back to his discussion and the critic at that point says "No, no, no, its not working. You can't just recover from that. I mean you can talk about the fight all you want but all I'm gonna think about is Paulie getting a metal handjob! Seriously...IT'S A FUCKING ROBOT IN A ROCKY FILM!!".
Another fun bit is when it comes to the fight scene between Apollo and Drago and the referee gives them the rules and the critic says "And NO murdering! I can't emphasise that enough! No murdering!". And as Apollo starts the fight with Drago the critic says "Come on, Apollo, you can do it. I have faith in you!" and it cuts to edited footage of Drago pummelling Apollo into extinction, which finishes with a Mortal Kombat-esque logo "FINISH HIM!" as Drago delivers the fatal blow to kill off Apollo. And during the scene where Rocky attends Apollo's funeral the critic does an impersonation of Rocky saying "On a side note I would just like to point out if I threw in the towel a little earlier I don't think it would have made a difference! I don't think he'd still be alive or anything!". Although the critic failed to notice that in the scene where Apollo is killed in the ring, Rocky does pick up the towel and nearly throws it in as Rocky's coach, Duke, pleads him to do but at the last second Apollo shouts "No!" which is why Rocky didn't do it as he keeping to Apollo's last wish.
And another moment in the review which I think stands out as one of the film's biggest flaws is when Adrian shows up in Russia to support Rocky, leaving their son behind on his own! And the critic says "Oh look, Adrian arrived to show her support! What a surprise! I guess the giant robot is watching the kid back home!". And lastly after Rocky wins the fight the critic makes fun of Rocky's speech as the Russian translator's words in Russian are presented as English on the screen but the subtitles are altered for a comical effect. And one of the funniest lines comes when Rocky says "There were two guys killing each other, but I guess that's better than 20 million" and the subtitles says in translation "He wants to kill 20 million Russians!". The review ends with the critic saying he enjoyed the movie and with his usual sign off and then "Now if you'll excuse me I have to parade these words of peace to the world!" and he goes off screen to recite Rocky's speech but instead get's punched. So overall its another enjoyable review as the critic has a go rightly at the scenes in the film that deserve to and as its one of my own guilty pleasure movies I thought it should be here in the top 5.
(Update to this review on 23.09/15:) By the way I had no idea what was meant by shark jumper as I just figured it was some of sort of amusing name to call the robot in the Rocky film as a piss-take. However this is not so as the term "shark jumping" is actually used to describe a point in a film or television series when it started to decline in popularity or quality (which in the case of the Rocky robot is about right!) so there you go, you learn something new every day indeed!
4. Man of Steel "I am Jesus!! I am Jesus!! I am Jesus!!"
This review at No.4 in the list probably is one of the longest, if not longest Nostalgia critic reviews of the entire series as it lasts just under an hour. This is another really entertaining one, which sees the critic go head to head against another critic, Angry Joe (played by Joe Vargas who has his own Youtube channel) as both men argue over the merits of Man of Steel, the latest Superman film, with the critic against the movie and Angry Joe for it and both men state their cases pretty well for why its either a good/bad film (personally though I thought it sucked). Both guys also take potshots at each other with Angry Joe slagging off the critic for screaming like a goat and it cuts to a clip of a screaming goat to prove his point (which is absolutely right!) and the critic angrily protests but then relents saying quietly of Joe "bearded asshole". Joe also has his bizzare moments where he remembers bad moments of his childhood which distracts him from his review, which forces the critic to snap him out of it. The critic also points out the film is laiden with product placement as later on when Superman fights his fellow Kryptonians on Earth there are numerous stores such as iHop, Sears, 7-11, U-Haul which they even do a mock ad to emphasise this (voiced by Malcolm Ray). The critic also jokes about the blatant Jesus symbolism in the film especially when we see Superman floating in the sky with his arms held out in a Jesus Christ pose and we hear the sound of the words "I am Jesus! I am Jesus! I am Jesus!" get louder and louder.
The critic brings it up again for fun when General Zod (Michael Shand) starts using his ship to adjust Earth's atmosphere but violently launching a ray which smashes up Metropolis. And the critic says "Oh my God look all the places they are smashing up! Including iHop, Dennys, Toys r Us and Sears! Oh the ingenuously marketed humanity!!". And later on during the controversial scene where Superman kills Zod by snapping his neck the critic and Joe surprisingly agree with each other that this scene didn't bother each other much. And to top things off the critic's version of General Zod (played by Doug Walker also) threatens the critic that if he likes Man of Steel he will kill him, which puts the critic in a tough spot as Joe attempts to persuade the critic into liking the film. But in the end the critic after much painful deliberation says "I still think this movie is awful!" however Joe delivers his own impassioned argument as to why he thinks the movie works. And this leads the critic to an epiphany as he says to Angry Joe "Joe I will never like this movie. I think its insult to everything that Superman stands for and I can't see how you like it, but it doesn't mean I can't understand why". And basically the critic from here explains to Joe he can understand why even though he doesn't like the film its ok for Joe to like it. And then General Zod turns up for the critic but Superman arrives and saves the day who zaps Zod's nuts to defeat him!
And the review finally finishes with the critic mimicing another comedy Youtube channel, the animated "How it should have ended" which often has Superman and Batman sitting having a coffee in a cafe discussing idle things but then they are spotted by the animated Superman and Batman and the critic's versions keep their heads down in hope they won't be noticed. But they are spotted and the "How it should have ended" Batman says "Batman doesn't have a beard!". It may be a bit on the long side but its still very enjoyable review which is also quite ambitious in its presentation and so for that its worth putting here inside the top 4.
3. Patch Adams "You're getting a whippin movie!"
At No.3 is Patch Adams which ranks as one of the critic's best reviews and it has plenty of funny and somewhat surreal moments aswell. The review starts off with the critic looking thoroughly pissed off and also a bit under the weather. And he says "As you can tell from my voice you can probably tell I'm just getting over an illness probably brought on by natural circumstances or the film I just saw was so bad it made me physically sick! Either one wouldn't surprise me! But the doctor says I should be alright as long as I get plenty of rest and relaxation". But then the critic is suddenly in the nose by a red nose thrown by the clown doctor, Bitch Spasms, an overly cheery and manic guy who insists "laughter is the best medicine" which critic says "no medicine is the best medicine!" and then he starts the review by wearily saying "Its Patch Adams, everybody!". The critic also says how he researched the real Patch Adams, Hunter "Patch" Adams who is a genuinely licensed practising doctor, who's unique methods of patient treatment are worth looking at but how the film "tries to tell his story in such as cliched emotionally forced dickfest it makes me want to kick him in his large dangly red balls!". The film also presents Patch Adams as something of a rebel and a danger to the health care establishment as he works at a medical school is met with disapproval by the school's dean played by Bob Gunton.
But while watching the review its easy to see why the critic get's so annoyed at this film as it does present Patch Adams as an overly excitable, goofy douchebag who prances around wearing red noses and goes as far as startling patients at night and wakes them up by throwing balloons at them! I mean I could get him suprising the patients during the day but at night when they are trying to sleep and get rest???!! Come on! The critic also rightly points out that Patch doesn't even seem to do any studying at the college but just goofs around with patients but the film does at least point this out with Patch's roommate (played by Philip Seymour-Hoffman) criticising him for this. The film also fabricates a romance that supposedly happened between Patch and one of the medical students, Carin Fisher (Monica Potter) who is later murdered by an unstable patient. But the critic researches the facts a bit more and discovers there was no romance and the person in question who was murdered was in fact a man, which prompts one of the most surreal moments in any NC review where the critic takes off his belt and grabs the movie and gives it a whipping with his belt! Yep you read that right! The critic takes off his belt and grabs the movie and yells "Come here movie! You're getting a whipping movie! YOU'RE GETTING A WHIPPIN!!" and whips it yelling "BAD MOVIE! BAD MOVIE! I'M SO ASHAMED OF YOU!!".
And the critic then goes ballstic again as he expresses his fury over how the film couldn't even get the gender of the person right who was in reality murdered and that the whole molestation story was also crap. And the critic says "Again the real teachings of the real Hunter Adams is much smarter than this and to try to simplify if to such a disgusting, fictionalised degree is absolutely horrible!!". And the critic continues his rant saying "Let me tell YOU something movie! Maybe YOU should have been "emotionally" invested when you were representing the life of a man, his theories, his friends, his real life practices and his acutal hard work!" and he agressively gives the finger shouting "FUCKKKKKKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!".
And the critic wraps his review by saying "People THIS movie is DISGUSTING!! If you want to talk about the benefits of emotional interaction with patients, fine! If you want to talk about the practices of new medicine and treating people fine! But do its as a FUCKING ADULT! Not this childish, poorly written, non-factual BULLSHIT!". The critic then goes on to say to check out the actual factual Patch Adams and not the fictional one as presented in the movie and that Hunter Adams in real life didn't like the film much as it misrepresented him as a jackass who jumped about wearing red noses in hospitals. And the review ends with Bitch Spasms being shot by the critic and the critic reassures the audience "Don't worry, he's not a reoccuring character" and signs off and walks away shooting Bitch one more time. Its a great review, its funny, well researched, well observed and as such its pretty much one of the Nostalgia critic's very best.
2. Signs "You just made Charlie Sheen RIGHT about something!"
OK so at No.2 is the critic's review of M. Night Shyamalan's sci-fi thriller Signs, which the critic sites as one of Shyamalan's worst films and where his career started to go downhill. The critic starts the review by taking sympathy on Shyamalan and how "he peaked far too early" as a director. The critic then even takes his gun and shoots the DVD of the film and says "Sorry, but you don't know any better. Its not well written, its not well directed, its not... well!". The film itself to put it briefly is about a former priest, Graham Hess (Mel Gibson) who with his family discovers crop circles in his cornfield, which he believes to be the result of extraterrestrial lifeforms. The critic also mocks one of Shyamalan's signature trademarks of panning the camera from side to side in a scene and goes on to talk about one of the most cheesily written scenes in the film where Graham's younger brother, Merrill (Joaquin Phoenix) turns up at an office talking to a general. And in the scene Merrill reveals he was once a minor league baseball star who never made it to the big leagues and the general says to him "Why weren't you in the pros making stacks of cash and getting your toes licked by beautiful women?!". Yep Shyamalan actually WROTE that line! God!! And the critic says "Can you get the camera off this guy?! He's weirding me out! I think HE'S the alien in this movie!". The kids in the film and Merrill also even resort to wearing tin foil hats in the film just to avoid their minds being read and manipulated by the aliens! Yep it really is a stupid film!
But the film's dumbest and most stupidest scene comes when Graham tells his family that "We're going to board up every window in this house" and Merrill asks "How do we know the boards will do anything?" and Graham delivers the classic line "Because they seem to have trouble with pantry doors". And this sparks one of the critic's most legendary rants as he says "Really, Shyamalan, did you read that line? Out loud? Did you ever read that line out loud??! You couldn't have. You clearly couldn't have! You just stated that these technologically advanced aliens, that these creatures which are supposed to be afraid of....CANNOT get through pantry doors!". And the critic rants on "They can build space craft that can jump MILLIONS of miles across space but...." and he shows the clip of Graham again saying "they seems to have trouble with pantry doors". The critic then says "They can take these space craft and turn them invisible that nobody else can find, YEARS above our technology BUT....." and the clip plays again. Then critic says "They're gonna take over our planet BUT...." clip again "They're gonna wipe out ALL OF MANKIND, BUT.....!" clip again. Then the critic leaps up and rants madly "YOU CAN'T BE THIS STUPID!!! YOU CAN'T!! YOU LITERALLY JUST STATED OUT LOUD WHY THIS MOVIE CAN'T WORK!!! WHAT ARE YOU??? A MORON???!!!! I hate to borrow from a subpar comedy but...TAKE IT SCARY MOVIE 3!". And they play a clip of Charlie Sheen from Scary Movie 3 referencing the same plot hole from Signs. And the critic rants dementedly "YOU SEE WHAT DID THERE, MOVIE??! YOU JUST MADE CHARLIE SHEEN RIGHT ABOUT SOMETHING!!! YOU DID THAT, MOVIE! THAT'S HOW BAD YOU'VE GOTTEN!!! THIS TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED HOLY SHIT FUCK RACE OF ALIENS STOPPED!!! COME TO A HALT BY A FUCKING.... PAN....TRY......". Then it cuts to a clip of the critic dementedly screaming the word "DOORRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!" in close up with several captions of "DOOR" flying about, three times, after which the critic passes out from the sheer effort of his rant!
The critic also uses the aliens weakness for wooden doors to do a further funny gag about the aliens as we hear the critic pretend to do the aliens voices speaking in their native language (which sounds alot like Klingon!). But on the screen we are reading things such "Fuck my shit!" and "More wood! Shit!" and "That's it you are all getting anal probed!". And later as the film nears its climax, Graham fights the aliens who eventually appear and they turn out that its major weakness is water which ends up killing them. So after the whole alien threat is thwarted, Graham returns to his life as a priest after his late wife died, which caused him to initially lose his faith. And the critic concludes that how can Graham turn back to serving God after his wife's life was taken away from him and how "This movie is horrible! I never got how so many people liked it! Its overly dramatic, annoyingly slow, has a real ego when it comes to its own style and any sign of logic is totally ignored!". And lastly he says "You know what's so goddamn scary about this movie is how so many people enjoyed it and Shyamalan is STILL GETTING WORK BECAUSE OF IT!!!". And the critic's sign off is interruped by some aliens at his door which he twats off screen with a block of wood. Again its a really entertaining review which features perhaps the critic's single best rant of the whole series and that's why its right here at No.2 and edges Patch Adams which is also great so I had to tussle between these two.
1. Batman & Robin "A BAT CREDIT CARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Right OK so this one is fairly predictable I guess but its still widely recognised as one of the series funniest reviews and it features the Nostalgia critic's staple line which Doug Walker to this day still uses at comic cons for the show where when any fan mutters the words "bat credit card" makes him go bezerk and chase the said fan around the room! So let's look at the critic's take on Batman & Robin......
So the critic starts his review by sighing and saying "Well this is it guys. The big one. The shit stopper! The constipation of American cinema! A bowel blockage from which nothing of any value could possibly be removed! What is said to be one of the worst films of all time! I am of course referring to the indescrible terror that is Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin". So before the critic starts his review he mentions the precautions that have been taken to prevent him killing himself during the movie review but then produces a cyanide pill from under his cap and says "Let's take a look and see just how bad Batman and Robin really is". And it shows the start of the film where Batman and Robin suit up and they reveal the batmobile and the critic says it might not be so bad after all. However Robin utters the films first line "I want a car. Chicks dig the car!" and Batman sighs "This is why Superman works alone!" which prompts the critic to immediately attempt to swallow his cyanide pill but is stopped by a man in a white coat as the critic spits out the pill sobs hysterically saying "I CAN'T DO IT! I CAN'T DO IT!".
But the critic settles down to get on with the review and talks about how the film has billions of cheesy one-liners, particularly Mr Freeze (Arnie) who keeps making puns referring to a certain subject matter, which the critic gives four guesses toward what it could possibly be with D being ice. And he shows clips of Freeze making several ice puns e.g. "Let's kick some ice!" (and not even that makes any sense!) and the critic says after "If you are answer was D... NO FUCKING SHIT!!!". The critic then refers to how the movie seems to be a throwback to the 1960s camp TV show starring Adam Woods and he moves toward the screen yelling "HELLLLLLLP!!!". And during a tedious chase scene between Batman, Robin and Freeze, the critic loses patience and asks "God! How much longer is this movie????!!!" and we cut to a caption saying "TIME IN: 10 MINUTES" which prompts the critic to dispair telling "10 MINUTES???!! WE'RE ONLY 10 MINUTES IN?????!". And the chase ends with Freeze freezing Robin with his ice gun and taking the diamond he stole and he warns Batman "Your emotions make you weak! I'll kill you next time!" prompting a good question from the critic "Why not kill him now?!". The critic then talks about the scene where Freeze's hideout is revealed to be an ice cream parlour where he keeps his wife who has an incurable illness and is kept alive in a chamber as he tries to work on a cure for her. But the critic again complains about how "How can nobody figure that he's in there???!! Its the equivalent of Walt Disney hiding out in Disneyland!". And the critic also explains how Freeze spends most of his time conducting his Eskimo henchmen to sing "I'm Mr White Christmas. I'm Mr White Snow" leading the critic to shake his head in disbelief "That's just.... stupid!".
The review then move onto the scene where Batman and Robin attend an auction where the super rich bid on models to take out on a date, but one of the film's main villains, Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman) turns up in a sexy dress and uses her pheromone dust to bend Batman and Robin to her will as they start to bid on her. And as Batman and Robin try to outbid each other, Batman pulls out his trump card, which is in fact a Bat credit card. And this leads into the critic's most famous of rants where he looks shaken and says "A bit credit card??? They gave him a bat credit card????? They had the BALLS to give one of the greatest superheroes of all time a BAT CREDIT CARD???????!!" and he shakes his head and with his arms flailing he yells manically "NO!!! NO!!! DOES NOT COMPUTE!!! DOES NOT COMPUTE!!!" and the man in the white comes back in and restrains him. A caption then appears saying "20 minutes later" and the critic appears looking shaken with his cap tilted to the side he sheepishly says "I apologise for that outrage. It was childish and immature. I just get a little peeved when I see one of my childhood icons carrying...." takes a deep breath and roars "A BAT CREDIT CARD!!!!! YOU BASTARDS!!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!! ALL OF YOU WILL DIE!!" and he is restrained again! Another caption appears which reads "An hour later" and the critic appears to try and compose himself but suddenly rants again "RAPE MY CHILDHOOD, WILL YOU???!! YOU'LL DIE!!! YOU WILL ALL DIE!!!". Another captain reads "Seven hours later" and the critic finally takes a big deep breath and says "OK! I'm fine, I'm cool, I'm fine".
Later on in the review the critic dispairs yet again when in the scene where Freeze discovers from Ivy that his wife allegedly died at the hands of Batman as he supposedly turned off her life support (actually Ivy did this out of jealousy) Freeze decides to Freeze Gotham. And the critic says "All we need now is for Freeze to say "First Gotham and then the world" and it cuts to Freeze who says that exact line causing the critic to nearly explode but he contains himself and instead sneaks over and get's a toy version of himself and puts it on his chair along with a tape recorder, which he plays with a recorded critique and tries to sneak out but he has an offscreen scuffle and is forced back into the room. The critic a little later in the review also talks about the scene where Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone) fights Ivy and kicks her into one of her own plants which devours her with its large petals and she shouts out "Curses!" as the critic dares her to "SAY IT!! SAY IT!!!". And after Ivy says the line he takes off his cap yells "GODDAMN THIS MOVIE!!! IT DID IT!!! IT FINALLY DID!! BATMAN HAS DRIVEN ME BATSHIT CRAZY!!!" and he makes silly noises and becomes hysterical and then takes a pill to calm himself down.
So the last scene of the film ends with Batgirl becoming partners with Batman and Robin and that silly shot of them all running away from that big bright Bat signal. And the critic rounds off the review saying "So you see, kids, the moral of the story is drop your studies, forget all about school and dress up in tight leather and life your life as a superhero. Why? Because Batman said it was OK!". And the critic says in conclusion "This film was a gigantic bat bomb! Why? Because this film is so terrible, so horrific and so god awfully bad there is one word that could possibly sum it up. you want to know what that word is....I'll tell you". And the critic then grabs a cane and sings "Itssssss....supercrapfuckahorrificexpialibullshit! A film so bad the censor ought to really have pulled it! Sadly there's only so many words that ryhme with bullshit: supercrapfuckahorrificexpialibullshit!". And he continues with a quick version of his take on the Mary Poppins song and ends it saying "No really though, its awful".
And that for me is my favourite Nostalgia critic review which is has most often quoted line from any of the reviews of the show and one of the critic's best and most memorable rants and its a review you can watch again and again.
Soooo that's it for my look at my favourite Nostalgia critic reviews, which are alot of fun, there are of course times where the critic's hyper manic energy can get a bit annoying but for the most part his reviews are alot of fun and are even well written and observed. And its a show that has two sides to the character as the critic can be both funny and crazy and at the same time he can also be quite inciteful and sincere too, which is why the series works well.
Anyway that's it for now and I will be back again sometime soon with another of my own reviews.
Until the next un bye for now and I'll remember so YOU don't have to!!
No comments:
Post a Comment