Top 10 Favourite Red Dwarf Episodes Part 1 - No's 10-6

OK so this is going to be a two part post and will be another top ten list and this time it will cover my top 10 favourite Red Dwarf episodes.  Red Dwarf is of course one of the most popular sci-fi sitcoms of all time, which involves the adventures and mishaps of four unlikely crew members.  The crew consist of Dave Lister (Craig Charles) the last human being alive, Arnold Rimmer (Chris Barrie) a hologram brought back to life by the ship's computer Holly (Norman Lovett), Kryten (Robert Lewellyn) a mechanoid and the Cat (Danny John-Jules) a humanoid being that evolved from the ship's cat.  

So the usual format for the top 10 list will see the first part cover No's 10 to 6 and the second part No's 5 to 1 (self explanatory).

Right so without much further messing about (or ado!) let's take a look....

And the usual warning applies here:

PLOT SPOILERS ARE AHEAD!!!

10. Fathers and suns (Series 10)

So to kick off is this episode from the 10th series, "Fathers and Suns" which is alot of fun and is easily one of the very best episodes of the show since it made its comeback run in 2012.  

STORY 

The story kicks off with Lister writing himself a father's day card, as he is his own father (as was explained in the episode "Ourroboros" in Series 7) he explains to Rimmer every year he writes out a card but get's so drunk, the following year when Kryten delivers it, he can't remember writing it.  Rimmer points out that Lister has been a bad father to himself, so this makes Lister decide to do something about it.  So when Lister wakes up in the morning he finds a video message from himself as "dad" that explains he is going to use a tough love approach with him from now on in order to improve himself.

Meanwhile, Rimmer and Kryten install a new computer with a very attractive female image, Pree (Rebecca Blackstone) who is so advanced that she can predict entire conversations, thereby rendering them useless and when Rimmer requests that she make a series of repairs to Red Dwarf, she predicts what he would do to fix them and just leaves the ship's corridors in a mess.  

In the meantime, Lister discovers to his horror that through the video messages in which he fails to follow his dad's instructions, that his dad has now resigned Lister from his post onboard the ship.  This however soon has more serious ramifications as Pree then decides to terminate his shipboard privileges that includes oxygen and Lister manages to just put on a spacesuit just in time before he is ejected by Pree into space.  

And to make matters even worse, Pree now decides that Red Dwarf has no point in existance and no mission so she programs the ship to crash into the nearest sun and from here the crew must try and find a way to stop her from carrying out her insane plan....

THOUGHTS

"Father and suns" was undoubtedly the best episode of the 10th series and it has plenty of funny moments throughout and it also even neatly explores an unexplored concept in the show up to this point in that we get to see Lister being his own dad.  And the series of video monologues that Lister's "dad" leaves him become even funnier as the "son" Lister fails to obey them.

NOTABLE SCENES

The episode's main highlights come from Lister's video monologues with himself as his father and son and as the "son" Lister is disobeys the "father" the messages get more and more strict and it ends up with the father having flushed the son's Les Paul Gibson out into outer space.  And the father says to the son "We're finally making some progress.  Wrong! Finally learned a little bit of respect. WRONG!  By the way, see your guitar? Go on, go over there and give us a song!".  And as Lister looks out the porthole window, the father says "Have a look out of that porthole there.  See that tiny speck half a light year away? That's your Gibson Les Paul, that is!".

Another fun moment is where Rimmer and Kryten choose a new ship's computer personality and its design.  And Rimmer enquires of the size of the breasts of the onscreen image "What's the hurry, Kryten? Everyone knows you don't just pick the first thing that comes into your head.  What's that one down there at the bottom?" and Kryten says "That's a 36D, sir" and Rimmer quickly says "Fine, go with that one!".  But Kryten says "I've already highlighted 30A, sir!" and Rimmer firmly says "Kryten, don't argue!" and Kryten relents and chooses the size.  

Then there is the scene where Rimmer get's angry at Pree for putting Red Dwarf on a suicidal course with the nearest sun.  And Rimmer asks Pree "So how long have we got before we reach the point of no return, the melting point?".  And Pree says "You mean the point where suncream and floppy hats are no defence because our noses have started melting onto our shoes, which are now floating down the corridor in a river made up of our own leg gravy? Well, we'll go as fast as we can, Supervising Officer, as I know you're keen to complete the mission".  And this prompts Rimmer to get even more angry and ask "How long, you mad goth bastard?!".  

And lastly there is the scene where (SPOILER!!) Lister saves the day as he stops Pree from carrying out her suicidal plan to send Red Dwarf crashing into a sun.  And Lister says to Pree "Isn't it true, once I complete my medical and I have all my bios for stasis, I become registered crew?" and Pree says "Yes" and Lister continues " And as registered crew, do I have the power to shut you down?" and Pree says "Yes" and Lister says "And as your primary objective is to save registered crew members time and energy, shouldn't you just uninstall yourself now?" and Pree relents "You're logic is faultless" and she disappears.  And Lister smiles smugly and says "Rock and roll! Dave Lister saves the day, being brave in a hostile universe!".

SUM UP

So in summing up, "Fathers and suns" is a very enjoyable episode and its one which deserves credit for exploring the themes of Lister being his own father and doing it in a very funny way and as such as it deserves a place on the list. 

9. Queeg (Series 2) 

So at No.9 is this popular choice from the second series, "Queeg" in which the Red Dwarf crew are forced to deal with the ship's backup computer called Queeg.  So let's take a quick look at the story.  

STORY

So the story begins with the ship's computer, Holly making a series of errors that get's the hackles of the crew up, so much so that all of a suddenly a back-up computer comes online named Queeg 500 (Charles Augins) to take over Holly's duties.  The crew however soon find Queeg a hard taskmaster as he forces the crew to do a series of chores around the ship that leaves them wishing that Holly would come back.

Holly however soon does reappear and he challenges Queeg to a game of skill, which would see the winner given the right to run the ship whereas the loser will be erased to which Queeg accepts and insists they play chess in order to decide it.  The challenge however goes in favour of Queeg who defeats Holly in their chess game, which leaves Holly no alternative but to be erased, which would leave the crew at the mercy of the harsh Queeg.....


THOUGHTS

The early episodes of Red Dwarf certainly relied more on the character development than what the special effects could allow that the series would later incorporate more of into the show as it went on and Queeg is a good example of showing how the early series did a fine job developing its characters.

But Queeg is alot of fun simply because it sees the show shake up the formula just a bit by introducing a new threat to the ship in the form of Queeg that would have a drastic effect as to how it would run.

NOTABLE SCENES

The episode also has plenty of funny moments that include the one where Lister is in the hologram simulation suite trying to join two correct cables to get Rimmer's hologramitc image back in line.  And in the scene Holly says to Lister who asks which cable should he join up "Oh yeah that joins up with the white cable".  So Lister joins two cables together but it causes a large explosion that sends him flying through the air, leaving Holly to say "....or is it the yellow cable?  Yes, it should have been the yellow cable!".

Another funny scene is when Queeg first appears and he belittles Holly and reveals to the crew where Holly get's his information from.  So, Queeg says to the crew "He get's all his information on astronomy, phenomonology and physics from a single book" and Rimmer asks "What book?" and Queeg replies "The Junior Encyclopedia Of Space.  It's the only one that has pictures!".

Then later on there is the scene where Holly comes back to confront Queeg, who by this time has been running a very tight and strict ship, working the crew hard.  And in the scene Holly says to Queeg "Queeg, I want my ship back!  I challenge you to the game of your choice.  May the greater mind win!".  

And Holly says to him "Name your game" and Queeg says "Chess!" but Holly then tries to bluff Queeg with a list of other games "It can be anything.  Any game at all!" but Queeg firmly says "Chess!" but Holly continues to list a whole host of other games "Draughts, poker, anything....Subbeto, Snakes and Ladders, Monopoly maybe?" but he finally relents to Queeg's demand to play chess.

However it all ends badly for Holly as he loses his game of chess to Queeg who soon takes over the ship and Holly says an emotional goodbye to Lister, Rimmer and the Cat before he is erased.  Then Queeg reappears and says to the crew "Okay, suckers, get this into your stupid thick heads!  There's only one thing I'm going to say to you!" and Lister angrily asks "What?!" and all of a sudden we hear Holly's voice again "What's happening dudes?" and his face reappears much to the amazement of the crew.  

So, Holly explains "We are talking Jape of the Decade.  We are talking April, May, June, July, and August Fool!  Yes, that's right -- I am Queeg" and the Lister, Rimmer and the Cat all look aghast and shout "WHAT???!!!" and Holly says "There was no Queeg, it was me all along!".  And Holly finishes by saying to the crew "And the moral of the story is: Appreciate what you've got, because basically, I'm fantastic!".  

SUM UP

So in summing up, Queeg is a funny, charming episode of the series in its early days and it saw the cast all in good form and the guest performance by Charles Augins was a show stealer and there is no doubt it deserves a place in the top 10.  

8. Backwards (Series 3)

At No.8 is the first episode of the 3rd series of the show, "Backwards" which saw it get an overhaul as it saw the series get its revamped theme song, which is still used to this day and it introduced Robert Lewellyn permanently to the show as the bumbling mechanoid, Kryten (who was originally played by David Ross in the 2nd series episode "Kryten").  

STORY 

So the story begins with Rimmer and Kryten take one of Red Dwarf's smaller ships, Starbug 1, out of test drive with Kryten as the pilot, however as Rimmer acts as a test instructor, asking Kryten a series of questions however as Kryten answers them, the ship passes through a time hole and they crash land on a planet similar to Earth.  However, Rimmer and Kryten soon discover they have stumbled into a backwards planet, where everything runs in reverse.  

So, Rimmer and Kryten go into a cafe and find a customer sipping their tea back into the cup and uneating a chocolate eclair, much to the disgust of them both.  Kryten also finds a newspaper and discovers that from the stories that events are all happening in reverse, such an armed robbery taking place with the bank robbers entering the bank and placing the money back into vaults.  Kryten then realises that they could use their forward nature to their advantage and soon become a double act known as the "The Sensational Reverse Brothers". 

Meanwhile, Lister and the Cat soon follow Rimmer and Kryten through the time hole into the backwards planet where they eventually find Rimmer and Kryten perform their double act, where they do such things as drink a glass of water fowards.  However while Lister tries to reason with Rimmer and Kryten that they should leave, but the two of them are so impressed with the success of their act that they are reluctant to go....

THOUGHTS

"Backwards" is an excellent episode as it really revamped the series and it saw the show take on a slightly bigger budget with improved special effects, not to mention its great classic theme tune and the introduction of Robert Lewellyn as Kryten, which really helped cement the series currrent formula. 

The episode also even pokes fun at Star Wars with its beginning epic titles that quickly explain the events in between series two and three that include Kryten was found in pieces on an asteroid and was repaired by Lister but as a result Kryten had lost his former assertive personality (as he found at the end of "Kryten").

NOTABLE SCENES

The episode has plenty of notable scenes but I will only mention a few that include the scene where Kryten and Rimmer go for their test run in Starbug 1.  And in the scene Rimmer asks Kryten a series of questions such as "Stopping distances.  You're traveling half the speed of light, what is the stopping distance?" and Kryten replies "Four years and three months" and Rimmer asks "And the thinking time?" and Kryten replies "A fortnight!".  

However Kryten soon notices a time hole in the window of the ship and as Rimmer continues to show Kryten his series of pictures in a book he wants an answer to what they are, Rimmer says "What's this one?" and Kryten looking out the window says "Its a TIME HOLE!".  But Rimmer, who isn't paying attention says "No, its nothing like a timehole!" and he explains "a time hole is a phenomenon rarely seen in space, which legend would have us believe transports us into another part of space and time.  Whereas that (Pointing in the book) is quite obviously a blue giant about to go supernova! THAT (Pointing out the window) is a time hole!".  But then Rimmer slowly realises what is happening as he looks out the window.

Then there is the scene where Lister and the Cat go looking for Rimmer and Kryten in Starbug 2 and the Cat says to Lister "We ain't gonna find 'em.  They're gone, buddy.  But look on the bright side..." and Cat suddenly says in delight "They're GONE, buddy!".  And Lister says to Cat "Don't you care about anyone but yourself?" and Cat says "Hell no!  I don't even care about you.  The way I see it, if Goalpost-head and Freak-face want to get themselves lost, that's their bag!".

Another funny scene is where Rimmer and Kryten on the backwards planet sit in a cafe, pondering what to do and Rimmer says "We'd better get a job.  But what jobs are there in a backwards reality for a dead hologram and an android with a head shaped like a novelty condom?!". Kryten then reads through a paper and as he reads the jobs section he says "Here's the jobs page.  This looks interesting.  "Wanted: Managing director, ICI.  Excellent demotion prospects -- right candidate could go straight to the bottom!". 

And later on there is the scene where Lister and the Cat finally catch up with Rimmer and Kryten after their double act show and try and persuade them to leave the backwards planet.  And Rimmer tries to explain the pluses of living in the backwards world "There's no death here.  You start off dead, you have a funeral, then you come to life!  As each year passes you get younger and younger until you become a newborn baby.  Then you go back inside your mother, who goes back inside her mother, and so on, until eventually we all become one glorious whole!" and Lister dispairfully replies "RIMMER, you already are one glorious hole!".  

And Lister tries to points out the pros of staying in the backwards planet "But look at the flipside of the coin.  It's not all good.  Take someone like, say... St.  Francis of Assissi.  In this universe, he's the petty-minded little sadist who goes around maiming small animals!  Or Santa Claus -- what a bastard!" and Rimmer says "Eh?!" and Lister explains "He's the big fat git who sneaks down chimneys and steals all the kid's favorite toys!".

And last of all there is the final scene where (SPOILER!!) the crew decide to leave the backwards planet and head home.  And as Rimmer asks "Where's the Cat?", Lister says "He won't be long.  He's...you know...in the bushes" but they both realise what happens in when you do a number two in the backwards world and the next thing we see is Cat look up in great pain and he painfully walks towards the others and says "Don't ask!!".  

SUM UP

So to sum up, "Backwards" is a very funny episode that set the formula for the rest of the show's run and it has plenty of gags and great moments that see it more than deserve its place on the list here at the 8th spot.

7. Duct soup (Series 7)

At No.7 is this episode rather aptly from the seventh series, which was the series that saw the temporary departure of Chris Barrie from the show and in a way that season suffered for it.

However despite this though, "Duct soup" for me was still probably the best episode of the 7th series as it was the first one that sees the character of Kochanski (Chloe Annett) properly fleshed out in the show as she struggles to adapt to life onboard the ship after failing to get back to her own dimension in the previous episode "Ourroborros".

STORY

Anyway as for the story it begins with Kochanski struggling with life onboard Starbug with Lister, Cat and Kryten (who basically is jealous of her) and she is driven near mad as she tries to get sleep lying next to some squeaky pipes.  Lister is also struggling to get to sleep as the heating system has gone awry on the ship so he eventually get's up and joins Cat in the laundry to watch Kochanski's underwear spin dry!

Meanwhile, Kochanski also get's up and breaks down infront of Kryten as she tearfully says how she has tried to adapt to life onboard the ship and that she is frustrated that she can't even get a bath (asthe crew have showers only).  Lister however soon offers Kochanski his quarters and sets up a bath for her out of sympathy but just around the same time an engine failure leaves the crew trapped inside Lister's quarters.  This means the only way to get the engine back online is to go through the ship's service ducts.

As they crew navigate through the ducts it is revealed that Lister suffers from claustrophobia and Kochanski tries to help him calm down by pretending that the Lister from her dimension was in fact gay in an effort to distract him, which works temporarily.  Kryten soon comes back with the Cat as he wants Kochanski to help him remove a grating and Cat stays with Lister instead who reveals how he had developed claustrophobia in the first place.  However Lister and the Cat soon have to deal with the recyc water flushing through the vents and then the hurricane force winds that dry the ductways.

And from this point on the crew must try and find a way to try and escape the ducts and get back into the ship....

THOUGHTS

In what was a decidedly mixed season, "Duct soup" was definitely the best episode of the 7th series, which has plenty of good laughs and also develops Kochanski's character a bit more aswell as reveal a bit more about Lister and his claustrophobia and the best episodes of the series tend to be ones that add different dimensions to the characters. 

NOTABLE SCENES 

As for the some of the notable scenes there are quite a few such as the one where after Kochanski get's out her bed after struggling to get any sleep from the squeaking noises of the pipes that have driven half mad.  And in the scene she walks in wearing socks over her ears, which almost resembles her looking like Princess Leia and Kryten who is the mid section says to himself "Oh my goodness.  It's Princess Leia.  Luke Skywalker went that way, ma'am!".  

And Kochanski angrily says to Kryten of the pipes in her sleeping quarters "Have you ever listened to those clapped-out old pipes?  'Nurieek'ing and 'rotut'ing, and just when you expect them to 'nurieek' again, they 'sqweloookle'!" and she bashes a spanner several times on a worktop and she continues "

It's enough to make a perfectly sane person crazy!!!".

Then Kochanski starts to break down into tears as she says how she has tried to fit in with the boys "I mean, I've tried, I really have tried to fit in!  I even tried learning what 'off-side' was!".  And Kryten is a bit alarmed at Kochanski crying and he says a bit concerned "Ma'am, please... I've never had to comfort a crying woman before.  Er, I'm not familiar with the technique, er, hang on - just processing".  

And Kryten does a quick data check and says "Oh, oh, I see!  Oh, well, don't worry, ma'am - I know the drill now".  So Kryten grabs Kochanski from behind and starts performing the Heimlich manoeuvre on her and Kochanski, shocked says "What are you doing?  Get off me!" and Kryten says "The Heimlich Manoeuvre, ma'am, I believe it helps women stop crying!" and Kochanski shouts "The Heimlich Manoeuvre stops people CHOKING, you idiot!".  And when Kochanski says Kryten is wrong and has got a corrupted file in his database, she suddenly stops crying and Kryten says "

Well, then... why have you stopped crying?" and Kochanski says "Well, because it's really hard to cry when someone's doing the Heimlich Manoeuvre on you.  It really puts you off!".

Another funny scene is when Lister having run a bath for Kochanski in his quarters, Kryten suddenly panics and has a vision of Lister and Kochanski as a couple, who have packed Kryten's bags to get him off the ship.  And as Kryten shakes himself out of it and suddenly shows Kochanski's shrunken uniform, which he put in the wash for her and he says "I'm afraid Mr Lister shrunk your uniform, ma'am.  You only have one left, now!" but Kochanski is too tired to care.  And Kryten then indignantly says "Right.  I'll be going then.  GOING!  After all these years, I'll be GOING!".

Then we have the scene where Kochanski in an effort to distract Lister from his claustrophobia while they are in the ship's service ducts tells him that the Lister from her dimension (which she was in a lasting relationship with) was in fact gay but Lister starts to get a bit neurotic about his own sexuality.  

And Kochanski says to Lister "Back on Red Dwarf before the accident I had LOADS of gay friends!" and Lister says "So did I?" and Kochanski challenges him and says "Name one!" and Lister hesitantly says "Okay, what about... Bent Bob?" much to the disbelief of Kochanski who says "Bent Bob?!" and Lister says "Yeah, little guy, bad toupee, used to work in catering!".  And Kochanski mocks Lister's poor attempt at coming up with a gay friend and says "That's what you used to call him, is it?  "Hey Bent Bob!  How's it going, mate?!".  

Then later there is the scene where Kryten (SPOILER!!) reveals that he deliberately overloaded the settings on the engine because he didn't want Kochanski to have her bath.  And Kryten says to her "

I didn't want you to have a bath, ma'am. Well, I knew it would be one of those 'no clothes' baths, and Mr Lister would scrub your back, and before we know what's going on, he's wearing clogs and you're having GELFs around to dinner.  And what would happen to me??  I'd have been on my own again!".  And Kochanski groans and says "Oh, Kryten!" and Kryten shrieks "I was just so SCARED!!".  

And at the end of the episode, Kryten asks Kochanski "Aren't you mad too, ma'am?" and Kochanski shakes her head and Kryten says "You're not, are you?" and she shakes her head again smiling sweetly.  So Kryten rather smugly says "I think I understand:  For you, the trek through the ducts was far from pointless.  It was an emotional journey where you gleaned invaluable insights into your crewmates.  This was your 'rites of passage'; you feel enriched, wiser, and somehow bonded by this in a way that... you never thought possible.  Am I right?".

However...Kochanski simply holds out a spanner and says "Say - 'nurieek' and hits Kryten on the head with it and she repeats the same worded noises that the squeaking pipes made earlier on as she repeatedly hits Kryten over the head as he is forced to repeat them over and over.

SUM UP

So that is "Duct Soup" and its a great deal of fun, which has plenty of good lines and laughs and gives a bit more insight into Kochanski's character and it features a good performance from Chloe Annett, who really established herself in the role here.  The inclusion of Lister's claustrophobia also added a different spin on things in the episode although it was curiously never mentioned again in the show after that but nonetheless it makes for a good inclusion.  

And so overall its the best episode of its season and as such it deserves its place here at No.7.

6. The Inquisitor (Series 5)

So at No.6 is this classic episode from the 5th series "The Inquisitor" which is a great episode that deals with the concept of a time travelling simulant who is something of a moral avenger who is out to judge and erase people from existance whom he has proven to be found unworthy of living their lives. 

STORY 

As for the story well it starts with the Inquisitor (Jack Doherty) who takes control of Starbug and returns it to Red Dwarf and as he prepares to judge the crew.  Kryten in the meantime explains to the others that the Inquisitor is a self repairing simulant that survived to the end of time and came to the conclusion that there is no God or afterlife and that the only real purpose was to have lived a worthy existance and seize the gift of life.   

The Inquisitor starts to question the crew, beginning with Rimmer, the simulant reveals Rimmer shall be judged by "himself" as the Inquisitor lifts up his visor to reveal Rimmer's face.  Rimmer then tries to defend himself by saying that given his background and how his brothers overshadowed him with their own success that he is nothing but from what he started with "nothing is up".  Next up, Cat defends himself by saying that he has given pleasure to the world since he has a "beautiful ass" to which the Inquistor accepts even though it is a shallow argument.  Next is Kryten who actually challenges the Inquistor reasoning for judging people throughout existance and last of all, Lister refuses to even justify himself.

As a result of this, the Inquisitor decides to acquit Rimmer and the Cat but that Lister and Kryten are to be erased from existance given that they could have done so much more with their lives.  However just before the Inquisitor can erase them both, a future Kryten suddenly appears and uses a chainsaw to cut off the Inquisitor's gauntlet hand and the future Kryten throws the gauntlet to current Kryten and tells him to go and gives them a clue how to operate the gauntlet just before the Inquistor kills the future Kryten.

Lister and Kryten then run for their lives as the Inquisitor repairs himself and stalks them and its not long before Lister and Kryten are met with an alternative version of themselves, which would take their places onboard the ship.  And from here Lister and Kryten must try and find a way to defeat the Inquisitor and saves themselves from being erased....

  

THOUGHTS

There's not much doubt that "The Inquisitor" is a highly entertaining Red Dwarf episode and it remains one of the more complex episodes story wise as the 5th series in general dealt with a lot of sci-fi concepts and here it deals with laws of causality as the Inquisitor judges everyone in existance who may or may not have lived a worthy life.  

The episode also features a fine performance from Jack Docherty (who featured in the Channel 4 comedy series "Absolutely" around that time) as the Inquisitor and the titular character wears a mask that resembles the mask worn by the Predator and he even wears a gauntlet similar to the Predator in which he uses to erase people from history.   

NOTABLE SCENES

As for the episode's notable scenes well there are plenty here and to kick off there is the first one where the Inquisitor suddenly materialises in a man's room and he booms out "Thomas Allman!  Thomas Allman you have been found unworthy of having existed!" and Thomas who was asleep, awakens and puts his glasses on and says "Is that you mother???".  And after the Inquisitor erases Allman from existance he is replaced with another man in his place, who will be given the chance for life instead and he says to the man "Sorry to disturb you, sir.  Reality trouble!".  

Then there is the scene where Lister sits reading a comic book version of Virgil's Aeneid that Kryten says "Oh, the epic tale of Agamemnon's pursuit of Helen of Troy -- the most classic work by the greatest Latin poet who ever put quill to parchment!".  And Lister looks up to Kryten and says "Yeah, its the comic book version.  Its good though, man.  Its absolutely full of history!".

However Lister goes on to say how doesn't buy the whole idea of the Trojan horse and he says "

So all of a sudden they wake up one mornin' and the Greeks have gone.  And there outside the city walls they've left this gift; this tribute to their valiant foes:  a huge wooden horse, just large enough to happily contain 500 Greeks in full battle dress and still leave adequate room for toilet facilities?  Are you telling me not one Trojan goes, "Hang on a minute, that's a bit of a funny prezzy.  What's wrong with a couple hundred pairs of socks and some aftershave?" No, they don't -- they just wheel it in and all decide to go for an early night!".  

And Lister continues saying "You know what the big joke is?  From this particular phase in history we derive the phrase, "Beware of Greeks bearing gifts," when it would be much more logical to derive the phrase, "Beware of Trojans, they're complete smegheads!".  But then they are interrupted by the Inquisitor who takes control of Lister, who's voice booms over the ship "I am in control of the human known as Lister.  Do not attempt to resist me!" and the Cat says "What happened to him?  Did his voice finally break??!".

So in the next scene Rimmer asks Kryten if he has heard of the Inquisitor and Kryten replies in melodramatic fashion "Only as a myth; a dark fable; a horror tale, told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire, wherever hardened space dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products and compete in tales of blood-chilling terror!!" to which Rimmer says "a simple "yes" would have sufficed!".

Then Lister questions what is deemed as a worth while life "Wait a minute!  Who's to say what's worthless?" and Cat scornfully says "Oh please!  Take a look in the mirror!  Read your entry in "Who's Nobody!".  And Lister then says "So just because I haven't writ any symphonies or painted the Sistine Chapel, that makes me prunable?" and Holly pitches in "No, being a totally worthless, unwashed space bum, that's what makes you prunable!".

Then we have the scene where the Inquisitor judges the crew and he starts with Rimmer and says to him "You have been granted the greatest gift of all: the gift of life.  Tell me, what you have done to deserve this superlative good fortune?".  And Rimmer nervously says "Well, I say this with the highest respect, but what gives you the right to ask -- no, actually -- demand that answer of me, Your Magnificence?".  And the Inquisitor booms "ALL must answer to the Inquisitor!" which prompts Rimmer to ask "But how do I know I will get a fair hearing" and the Inquisitor says "Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor, your judge shall be..." and he lifts up his mask to reveal Rimmer's face and finishes the sentence saying "....yourself!" and Rimmer suddenly panics and says "Oh, smeg!".

Then there is the scene where the Inquisitor is about to erase Lister and Kryten and Lister nervously says to Kryten "Well, if you've got some amazing secret plan up your sleeve, Kryten, now's the time to mention it" and Kryten says to him "No plan, sir, no sleeves!".

And then later there is the moment where Lister and Kryten having been given the Inquisitor's time gauntlet by the future Kryten trying break free from the chains the Inquisitor had placed on them. And in the scene Kryten says he has no fear of death but Lister notice his right foot jiggling and says to him "Kryten, I know when you're lying.  Your right foot jiggles.  It's involuntary" and Kryten says "Nonsense. I'm not afraid to die. For me, death holds no fear!" but then he starts to jiggle even more violently as he says "I believe in Silicon Heaven!  I believe in an afterlife for androids!".

Then there is the moment where Lister freezes and captures the Inquisitor and dangles him over a chasm tying him to a rope.  The Inquisitor says to him "So now you're going to kill me?  I don't think so.  You're a fat little human who doesn't have the balls!" and Lister says "Strong talk for a guy hanging over a chasm!".  Lister then burns through the rope but just as it breaks he grabs the Inquisitor and lifts him up and says "I never intended to kill you!" and the Inquisitor says "Oh, no?" and Lister says "I intended to save your life" and Inquisitor asks "Save my life? Why?" and Lister tells him "'Cos if I save your life, and you erase me, then I won't be there to save your life, and you'll die.  Chew on that, pal!".

But as Lister thinks he is in the clear with the Inquisitor, the Inquisitor says to him "Oh, just one thing.  If I erase you from history, you will never have existed to end my life in the first place" and this prompts surprise from Lister who says "That's a point!" and the Inquisitor tells him "So now, I can erase you quite safely!" but before he does Kryten saves the day and erases him instead.  

And the episode ends with Kryten saying to Lister "I believe this is an appropriate juncture for you to give me five, sir!" and Lister grins and says "Give you five?  I can do better than that!  I can give you fifteen!" and he holds up a severed hand he took earlier on from the dead alternate Lister to open a door.

SUM UP

So to sum up "The Inquisitor" is one of the most enjoyable episodes of the fifth series and it has plenty of laughs, a sinister villain and a pretty good plot that does admittedly get's itself a bit muddled towards the end but despite that this is still a very fine one and well worth a place on the list. 

Right, so that's it for Part 1 and I will be back soon with Part 2, which will probably be my last post of the year but we'll see how it goes (most likely it will be though!).

So until the next one, I'll see you smeggers later!